Thursday, February 21, 2008

GOD BLESS AMERICAn idol

Firstly, I know, I admit it, I watch American Idol. The first step of recovery is recognizing you have a problem, right?
Well apparently I'm confused about what it takes to make it in the world. The kid that got the most camera time (until he got the boot), is a whining, crybaby, homeless, high school drop out. I dropped out of high school... WAAAHHHH! I live in my car...... WAAAHHHHH! I sing with a British accent...... WAAAAHHHH! I'm an arrogant prick that got kicked off because I suck..... WAAAHHHH. I thought that would be the last we had to see of that douche, but no, now he is on TV shows (Ellen, I'm told. I don't watch that one) getting hooked up with stuff and will probably have a career. Never mind all of the people that were actually talented that got kicked off. So next time you're wondering what it takes to make it in life, remember Josiah. With a great sob story, a crappy car, the ability to cry on demand, and no education, you too can have success. Sanjaya eat your heart out.
"Who put super-glue on my hand? WAAAAHHHHH"

Monday, February 4, 2008


Erica and I look forward to Monday nights. No, no, no, not for family night. It's for the recent and triumphant return of American Gladiators! Supposedly Erica went and saw it when she was a kid. Right. Just like how Patrick Swayze's mother lived down the street from her, she was on Murphy Brown, and how the Poltergeist house is just up the street from where she grew up. And like the one time, when Michael Jackson stopped by to use the bathroom, ok he didn't... but his sister did! She has several more of these fanciful stories for those that are interested. Anyway, for those that have not yet taken the time to watch this fantastic show, I recommend it. The quality acting blows my mind. It is hosted by none other than the amazing HULKSTER (see post below), but that is just the beginning. They have hired an all star cast. I realize that the contestants are going to sound mildly handicapped and a little over excited, but the gladiators are fantastic. I am going to talk about my favorite two, for those of you that don't know them.
First is WOLF!!!
AAHHU AAAHU AHHHHHHHUUUUUUHHHHH (that's my phonetic howl type).
This guy is great he growls and howls at the contestants. Here's what you might not know about Wolf a.k.a. Hollywood Don Yates.

Birthday: February 28, 1970

Birthplace: Phoenix, AZ (That's so awesome!)

Profile

Gender: Male
Height: 6 feet 4 in
Weight: 230
Physique: Athletic
Hair Color: Blond(e)
Hair Length: Long
Eyes: Blue
Ethnicity: Caucasian
Voice Type: Baritone

Television

American Gladiators Wolf / Series Regular NBC / David Hurwitz

Filmography

Actor:
"American Gladiators" .... Wolf (5 episodes, 2008)
When Shadows Die (2005) (V) .... Biker #3
Vampire Slayers (2005) (V) .... Victor

Performer Skills

Dance: Pop Locking, Hip Hop, Line, Tango, Break, Club/Freestyle
Athletic Skills: Soccer, Aerobics, Boxing, Track & Field, Surfing, Football, Rollerblading, Baseball, Gymnastics, Swimming, Cycling, Basketball, Tennis, Martial Arts, Golf
Accents: Southern, Australian
Performance Skills: Martial Arts, Comedian, Dancing, Improvisation, Singing, Stunts, Host, Voiceover

This is from his website! (I highlighted some of the highlights)

Hollywood�s resume reads like the true Renaissance man - 23 years on the professional rodeo circuit as a bullfighter and rodeo clown, including 2 world titles, 3 National Final Rodeo rings and countless trophies. He wrestled professionally with the WWE and has been a stunt performer and actor. Maybe some of the complexity of his growth explains his wide range in life of this daunting competitor.

Most veterans of the rodeo circuit probably don�t also write poetry and songs and can also pull off acting. Hollywood can be as down to earth and humble as they come, yet when he rolls into the bull-ring or arena- everything changes- �I am not into humiliating people- but when I�m competing, I love destroying any hope my opponent might have- I want to take their heart away-so when they look up and see me- they feel crushed, like there�s no chance at all.�

WOW! not only is he a cowboy, he writes songs and poetry (I'm not sure what all the question mark?s a?re for). And I always wondered who that stunning Biker #3 was in When Shadows Die.

I Include this picture of the WOLF to show his softer side. When he isn't crushing mere mortals on AG (that's American Gladiators), he's just a big puppy dog.

My Next favorite gladiator is HELLGA!! (No that's not a typo, it is H-E-L-L-G-A)

MMMMMM TASTY!! Now, I'm faithful to my wife 100%, but I'm not going to lie, Hellga is a fine specimen of femininity. I couldn't find a birth date or birthplace for Hellga, a.k.a. Robin Coleman. I did find her website, however, but I couldn't bring myself to spring for the VIP access. She is a striking 6'-1" and 205 pounds of pure muscle.
She is very well rounded, and has this to say about her acting skills:

"I have educated myself in two disciplines; method acting (Meisner technique) and improvisational comedy (The Groundlings). This education has proved invaluable to me, and has given me insights about my craft, and suprisingly about my personal life as well. Not to mention great listening skills! "I love your shirt!" "You love my shirt?" "I LOVE YOUR SHIRT!!!" "OK! WHATEVER! YOU LOVE MY SHIRT"...Ah yes, Stanislavski and his method of making you look like a psychopath at the local coffee shop (a regular place of rehersal)."
I think that pretty much says it all.

I hope this little taste of the quality programming available to you all will encourage you to forgo spending time with your families this Monday and view something uplifting.

And yes, I have entirely too much time on my hands.

Buffalo

As I sit here, not paying attention to the lecture I'm paying thousands of dollars for, I ponder the beauties of this lovely city I call home. "Buffalo, an all America City" the sign proudly proclaims as you enter the city limits. I consider myself a positive person, all in all, so I am not going to just rant and rave about what bothers me about living here, rather, I will list something I like about Buffalo for every complaint I delineate. But I will be complaining and whining. You are forewarned.
First and foremost, driving. I can handle a lot of the things people do. We all get cut off, we all get people swerving around us, I don't even mind getting flipped the occasional bird (although I may follow said flipper to their house and break their kneecaps with a nine iron, or at least scream like I will). I can even deal with people driving 45 on the freeway.
Two things I do not like.
First, red means stop. I don't know what these morons were doing the day the elementary school teacher went over this simple concept, but more than once we have had people go around us to run the red light after we have stopped. Never, before living here, have I had to literally wait and look both ways before going when the light turns green. Without fail you see someone fly by seconds after you have the green light.
The second thing that makes me want to rip my own toenails out with a pair of rusty pliers is the hazard lights. Maybe I just haven't learnt how to drive yet, but I was taught that you put your hazards on and pull over if your vehicle is having problems, you have to run to the bushes before you soil yourself, you have an open flesh wound, etc. Apparently in Buffalo the proper protocol when there are no available parking spaces is to park in the middle of the road, and turn the hazard lights on. Maybe they are called hazard lights because you are a hazard when you turn them on, I don't know, but I almost vomit when I have to stop and wait to go around someone because they have decided to stop in the middle of the road. But it's ok because they put their hazards on.
These are just two of the worst driving peeves, which I will categorize as one complaint.
One like.
I like Buffalo because it is close to Canada. We like Canada, it is clean, they have poutine (probably the most delicious food ever), they have Crystal Beach, and they have wunderbars (I know that's spelled weird, but they are Canadian).



Cadburys Wunderbar

This bar is a shell of very chewy toffee coated in creamy milk chocolate and inside - peanut butter.

OK, that was a positive thing, now I get to complain more. Next on my list. The food. Never before in my life have I had a hard time thinking of some sort of restaurant (I'm including fast-food albeit loosely). The service is terrible, we were once told, "we ain't got no sprite and we ain't got no large, what you want." Another time, after paying for our order at Taco Bell, we were politely informed that, "you gunna have to wait 15-20 minutes because we ain't got nuthin warmt up yet." Our friends were told at KFC that they would have to come back in a couple hours, they were out of chicken. The quality leaves a bit to be desired as well. Ask Erica about her beef stew burrito from Mighty Taco sometime.
Another thing, enough with the damn wings already. I say this as a wing lover. There is not a single restaurant here that does not serve wings in some way shape or form. This is appropriate at some restaurants. Congratulations on inventing the chicken wing, but when I walk in to an Italian restaurant, I want spaghetti, not wings.
OK, another positive. Umm..... there are four seasons. This can be a positive/negative. We have now been without power for multiple days on two separate occasions. Both of which were when the average temperature was about 7. A friend saw the power fixing guys out when his power was out and asked them when they would fix it. Not tonight, they said, it's not in the budget. Oh good.
But this is supposed to be a positive, and the spring/summer/fall here are beautiful. It it nice to be able to do things outside in the summer with out scalding yourself on the seatbelt. It is very green and we had a decent garden last year.
As I continue, I realize that this post is getting longer and wasting more of your valuable time than I have any right too. The last thing I will comment on is the economy, I'll try to be brief. I love the taxes here. We pay about $150 in property tax for our house. Did I mention that is monthly?!! So after paying that amount, which is bearable, we get slapped with a school tax of about the equal amount. Never mind we don't and never will have kids in school here. Sales tax is around 9%. But the welfare system is great! I honestly am fine with welfare and think it is great for those that need it, dental students included. But when we were looking for a house our realtor's assistant informed her that she was quitting because she would make more on welfare, and she wouldn't have to work! Isn't that great?! Now I get to pay for my children's food AND hers. Awesome.
Ok. Enough with the ranting. I hope that I have offended, because that was my intent.