Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Amazing Healthcare

After Erica delivered our child at the Millard Fillmore Suburban hospital, I did a little research to determine the qualifications needed to work there. Whilst searching I stumbled across this application form on the city's official website:
Needless to say we were unimpressed with the care she received. The first "Dr." we had contact with, a resident (which is fine), almost spoke english. He walked in the room and the first thing I noticed as he walked by was a mole the size and shape of Texas on his arm. I swear one of the hairs on it brushed my nose.
Now, I don't claim to be a doctor, but I am taking a pathology class in which we had to learn the ABCs of when a mole is possibly malignant (Area, Boarder, Color and Diameter). And that nevus is in serious need of attention. The large growth notwithstanding, this fellow seemed ok at first. Then he spoke and I couldn't understand a word he was saying. So we nodded and smiled and figured everything was ok. He then decided that he would do a little ultrasounding to make sure everything looked good. All kidding aside it was at least twenty minutes before he, and three nurses, could figure out how to turn the thing on. Turns out it was the big red ON button on the front of the machine.
The nurse told us he didn't normally work there and that was why he didn't know how to do anything. Oh, goodie, just the guy you want taking care of your pregnant wife. Fortunately, a different, english-speaking, resident (albeit a hippie) came to work with us. As my dear wife already shared, when Dr. hippie broke her water there were some minor complications, and she told us she wanted to bring in another doctor to get a second opinion. Guess who she brings back? None other than Mr Mole. So the two of them poke around for a while, finally settle on the fact that they have no idea what in the sam hell they are doing and decide to bring in another doctor.
I was excited at first when Apu Nahasapeemapetilon walked in because I figured someone had ordered us squishies from the Kwik-E-Mart and he was there to deliver them. Boy was I disappointed when it turned out he was the "real" doctor that was supposed to help. He was filled in on what they didn't know was happening and he called in a few other people to look around. This guy then scares the crap out of Erica and starts telling her that she might need a C-section, but they weren't sure yet and yadda yadda yadda. Ok, so we start thinking that it might go the cesarean way, next thing we know there are numbing her up and having me change in to scrubs. Somewhere along the way "we're going to monitor them for a while" turned in to "let's cut the baby out" without telling us. Fortunately Erica's real doctor came in time to clear everything up.
I won't even start on the nurses Erica had after the birth. How dare we assume that someone should respond after ringing the buzzer thing three times in two hours?
When we took Ruby in for her first check up the doctor left for a minute and in walks this nurse with a handful of syringes. So Erica asks if she is getting shots already and the lady says, "Yep." She continues to prepare whilst my wife and I are trying to figure out what is going on. Then Erica asked her if she was sure Ruby was supposed to get shots already. The lady said, "Yeah, this is Rhabada Shalamaka right?" we told her no, and she laughed and left to wander around the building looking for someone that would let her put needles into their child. I don't think I have ever met so many people with their heads in their rectums in so short a time. I love Buffalo.


Shums said...

Wow, that is pretty bad. Good thing this wasn't Erica's 1st baby. I would have freaked out, but since my epidural hurt WAY worse than the entire labor and recovery, I will NOT be delivering at a "learning" hospital ever again.

kristenita said...

seriously. what's UP with all the psycho postpartum nurses? you'd think they would actually LIKE babies and new moms. nope. my day nurse was a total witch (and she was FRIENDS with my AUNT!!!!). my night nurse was cool... but it hardly made up for the meany asking me in front of MALE visitors if I had "passed gas" and if I was "wearing a bra." what the.

I wonder which hospital around here is the best? we need to find it before anyone else has a baby!

p.s. you forgot to mention that new moms get to choose a room with:
a room with a shower
a room with 2 beds

...and you have to pay to watch tv.

Amber said...

Wow! that's all really scary, I'm glad you both didn't lose your cool. We delivered Jackson at Sisters and I have to say that I really liked all my care givers...on the other hand everyone else really bugged me. Like who cares about TV - get out of my room and give me peace, I'm trying to recover. And the person who took the newborn pictures - could she be anymore annoying or take any longer!!!!!

Levihot said...

Sounds a bit like south fl

Emily said...

Okay, so I have laughed so hard...not at your experience...that is horrible, but at the way you describe everyone. That would so comforting to know they are taking care of me. I probably would have told Jake to get me out of there.